three a.m.

4.5 hours of sleep is all I will likely be running on today.

Though there will probably not be any actual running.

I don’t want to be awake, but here I am, wrapped in a blanket on the folded laundry filled couch, and listening to Lucy (our dog) make old dog groaning noises in her sleep.

It’s cold in the living room.

I woke twice tonight (this morning?), thinking of the same person each time. I don’t know if it’s because she was the last person I was texting before I went to sleep, or because I’m supposed to talk to her about something. Who knows?

I just know I’d prefer to think about her at, say – 7 a.m. instead of midnight and 3 a.m.

Yesterday I woke at what I thought was 2:56 a.m. and get this, I was excited for 3 a.m.

It’s only about 90 minutes of thinking time before Josh’s alarm goes off!

Sometimes this will happen, I will be awake for sometimes hours, waiting for his alarm to go off, and, as soon as it does, and he gets up and starts stirring around in the house – I fall into a deep sleep.

However, I realized it was not 2:56, but 12:56. I had only been asleep two hours.

I was so tired and frustrated.

I came to the couch again and was able to fall asleep about 5, then crashed until 7. I do not like a 7 a.m. wake up time. I feel like I have wasted my day if I sleep that late.

My favorite is 10-5. Fully uninterrupted. 

I’m embarrassed to be writing about sleep again. But clearly it is not something I am getting enough of in my life.

A few people have asked me, “what do you think God is trying to say to you in those hours?”

Um, I don’t know. But it’d be nice of Him to wait til about 7 when I’ve finished my first round of coffee.

Seriously, though, I will often lay (lie?) there and start saying praises. Thanking Him for things in my life, or I’ll say things about Him, reciting the fruits of the spirit to Him. I don’t often pray to ask for anything. Almost never. 

While out running recently I was thinking about that. How I do not ask God for anything. I see myself as this hot mess of a person, completely undeserving of anything I already have – who am I to ask for anything more?

I don’t think I’m supposed to think that way. Or feel that way. But I do. 

I can hear the wind machines. It got cold tonight. Those poor farmers that have to be outside in the wee hours. At least when I’m up at ridiculous hours I’m inside where it’s mostly warm.

Writing has made my eyes sleepy, maybe I can crawl back into bed and fall asleep. 

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