It probably isn’t the safest day to write. But let’s live on the dangerous side for once, huh?
Yesterday was a pretty shittastic day. I started looking around my house, at my dining room table especially, and I lost it.
My table was covered in homeschool books, papers, games, and probably a few dirty dishes under there as well. I looked at the table and promptly got overwhelmed.
The weight of all the things from the last few weeks really started getting me down, which quickly made me think of every other thing in my life that I have to be sad pants or discouraged about right now. And I kinda lost it. I lost my cool.
And I spent much of yesterday in tears.
I cry at movies. I cry when one of my animals dies. And there are times where I laugh so hard there are tears.
I don’t just cry out of sadness. But yesterday I did. I was just so sad about so many things.
Lack of time with Josh.
My worry over my kids.
Loss of friendships.
Homeschooling my girls.
State of my house.
Feeling like I have absolutely zero purpose in this life.
It got really ugly. My heart and mind got really ugly, and I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe. So I quickly sent out a very yucky, very raw to text to Emily. I needed a safe place to say all the words, and she was/is it. I texted her all the grossness and then got in the shower, the hottest shower, and I sat down to bawl and let the water run.
Yesterday was hard.
Many times I find myself in this irrational state of mind and can attribute it to PMS. But not this time. Right now I think I’m at a time in my life where things aren’t going so great. And that’s okay. Sometimes life sucks. I’m choosing to tell myself today that it will get better.
Josh’s work load will slow down. I didn’t really need those “friends” anyway. My house already looks better than yesterday. There’s always enough money for all the bills. And praying over my kids instead of worrying will get me much further.
It just feels like a lot at the moment. The things I’ve listed, the things I keep a little closer. Sometimes it just takes bursting to start the work-through process.