It’s been nearly a month since I last wrote. How does that even happen? I write seven blog posts per day…in my head.
Life comes up, gets in the way, and there never seems to be enough time in the day. I’d get up earlier to try to write, but I’m already up around 4:00 AM each day. I’d stay up later to write, but let’s face it, by 9:00 PM my brain is mush, and if I tried to write you might think I’m drunk.
So today I’m stealing a few minutes from the housework I should be doing to update my spot of the internet. And who wouldn’t wanna steal minutes from housework? Sheesh, that shiz is never-ending. (I heard your ‘amen’ there in the back.)
It is possible to always be busy, and it is possible to start going crazy from that busyness. It’s possible to let that busyness wear you down so small, so tired, so I-can’t-do-this-anymore, that well, you just can’t do it all anymore.
We all have our own busy. We each have our amount of work we can do. For some it’s more, others less. And one is not better or worse than the other. What I enjoy getting done in a day you may not, and vice versa.
So here’s a breakdown of how a day goes around here, at least how it is supposed to go:
Up around five, preferably before, to make breakfast and lunch for Josh. (This is something I’m working at being better at.)
Around 5:30 I (sometimes we) head out to feed and water the animals. The list of animals currently is:
45 chickens, four ducks, five geese, two pigs, three goats, three cows, two dogs, one (pregnant) cat, and two stray kittens.
I feed everyone but the mama goat, she heads into the milk room and onto the stanchion Josh built me.
After all bajillion animals have been fed, I head inside to do a little housework. I try to get the morning dishes done and the kitchen cleaned up before the girls wake up.
In a perfect world, once they are up and dressed and fed, we would start our homeschool day for the next three hours. Then time for lunch.
From that we would do our paper route. My almost 11 year old has a job of delivering our town’s paper to 55 customers. We usually drive it, and it takes us approximately 30 minutes.
After the route is finished it’s time to go home, and we all kinda head our separate ways. The girls usually play outside, collect more eggs, ride bikes, etc. I’m usually in the kitchen. However, sometimes we just sit and read.
Dinnertime happens, and we’re either off to gymnastics, or the girls to church, or a fence needs repaired, or a shelter for an animal needs built. Evenings around here are just an extension of the workday.
Weekends as well.
Added to these days, I work at our church two days per week – Monday mornings, and Friday, and I clean house for a friend every other Friday, too.
Friends, I have hit my I-can’t-do-this-anymore point.
I am exhausted and I am crabby. I do a lot of things in a day, but I do not feel I’m doing many of them well. My family deserves better, my church deserves better, and my friend whose home I clean, deserves better.
Something has to give.
So I quit my job at the church.
This was a difficult decision when I tried to do it the first time, about a month and a half ago. I love being there, I love cleaning there, it’s just a good place to be. So, with my mom’s help with my girls, I tried to make it work. But still it just wasn’t happening. I couldn’t clean there, and still be able to do what needed to be done at my house. The guilt on both ends has been heavy.
While cleaning the church one evening a few weeks back, a man came up to me and thanked me for the work I do in the church, and then said something along the lines of, “but sometimes it’s not our season. Sometimes our season is to be at home. Young kids and a home is a lot of work. Do not feel like you have to stay here. It may just not be your season, and that is okay.”
You guys. That was a breath of fresh air. Life breathed into me. And I felt a freedom I hadn’t in quite awhile. Yet, I have tried for several more weeks to do all the things. And it just hasn’t worked.
Tomorrow is my last day cleaning the church. I am sad and happy at the same time.
Today I start a new every other Thursday schedule cleaning house for my friend. No more Friday work days. I am thankful for her flexibility.
I’m looking forward to being home more, it truly is my favorite place to be. I’m looking forward to doing a better job here, and not having so much stress throughout the week knowing Fridays were coming.
Maybe you’re at your I-can’t-do-this-anymore point. Find the things you love the most, keep those things. And the things that weigh you down the most, those are the things you need to give up.
It may just not be your season to do them. Offer yourself up some grace, take a step back, and breathe.