getting through a day, a week.

I feel like a fraud most days, but never more than I do on Sunday.

We get to church and walk through the doors and we are smiley, and hugging people, saying “good, good” when asked how we’re doing.

When 20 minutes before, as we walked out the door of our house, someone was crying before getting in the car, someone can’t find a shoe, or their girdle.  Someone forgot to brush their teeth.  Another person’s jeans won’t button.  There was a fight over something dumb, and everyone is tense, and the car ride is quiet and no one is smiling.  And no one is “good, good” not even a little bit.

Sundays are gross in my book.

Then worship time begins, and I’m usually still pissy the first song or two.  But by the third song, and definitely by the time worship is over my heart is starting to soften and the wall I’ve built around it is starting to crumble.  Pastor Jason gets up and starts to teach, and I find myself not tuning out, but listening in, listening hard.  I feel taught to, not preached at.  Service ends too soon, but I’m ready to do the rest of my day different, the next week different.

And Monday comes and it’s often hard to remember Sunday.  But there are new mercies each day, thank the Lord, because holy smokes how I need ’em.  By Thursday I’m ready for Sunday to get here, even though I know the getting ready to get to church is most likely gonna be the hardest part of my week.  While I write this I’m realizing, if I could just stay in my bible throughout the week, maybe the week wouldn’t be so long.  I find it easy to open up a book, or my Instagram app on my phone, or I make a list for my week, but I don’t pick up my bible for those 15 extra minutes.  Ugh.

What kind of example am I setting for my girls?  Not the best one, that’s for sure.

I hafta remind myself that while I can’t do yesterday different, I can’t be an example to them yesterday, I can start over again today, because of those new mercies.  So, I’ll end this post, close down my laptop, heat up my coffee (again), and open up my bible.  I need some life-giving words today, words I can share with my kiddos later, and share with myself throughout the week.

(sorry for the messy, jumble-y posts lately.  it’s kinda my life right now.)