i originally started this blog back in May. i wrote a couple very depressing posts, and then left it for several months (i’ve since deleted those couple of posts). i was not in a place to write. not coherently anyway. i’m ready to start writing on a regular basis again, i’m a little healthier than i was a few months back.
time can do that. time can make you better.
i often feel i need one. i’ve always been a girl who has struggled with depression. i’ve always felt a bit unsafe in this head of mine. you can often find me locked in the bathroom, either sitting on the floor with my back against the door, or on the toilet (lid down), arms folded in a hug like manner, and rocking back and forth. talking myself into facing the outside of the bathroom. telling myself i can do it. i can make it through. sometimes it’s over something trivial (today it’s the mound of dishes), other times it’s something bigger (mothering. wife-ing).
i’m healthier than i was five years ago. but not as healthy as i’d like to be. i feel like i should be able to face all the things without a pep talk. without a self hug.
some days are better than others.
today is not one of those somedays.
today we have snow.
i have only myself to blame.
you see, last night i looked at the weather forecast and saw that we had a 70% percent chance of snow. 70! ew. gross. however, my small children (ages 10 and seven) adore the nasty white stuff, and i may be one of the worst moms ever, but even i love seeing these kiddos smile. so i called them to me, told them the great (disgusting) news and said we should pray for 100% chance of snow.
and so we prayed.
and of all the prayers of mine for God to answer, He answered this one.
this morning my girls are searching for gloves and i’m searching for my straitjacket.
you girls have fun in the snow, mama’s just gonna be in the bathroom rocking herself to mental health.
as i’ve gotten older i have learned that the best thing for me to grow, to stay healthy, to get out of my house when all i wanna do is hunker down and not leave is to push myself. is to do the thing, get the thing, that makes me not be able to stay put.
for me, this has been children and animals. mostly animals.
my children are at a place in life where they can feed and dress themselves, and don’t need much of my care to get through their days.
my chickens and steer are another story.
last night i was cozy in my bed. freezing rain was coming down and i didn’t have to worry one bit about it. my house is warm, my kids are asleep, and in the morning i didn’t have to go anywhere.
then it hits me. Harry. Harry is my steer. he’s five months old and the cutest lil guy.
so i realize the poor dude is out in the freezing rain, with no access to the barn. (we’ve kept him away due to the chicken coop/run that he loves to be inside of.) i tell Josh (my husband of 17.5 years) that we are the worst animal owners ever. poor Harry. and so Josh throws off his covers and says we’ll go take care of it. we’ll go out in the cold and coax him into the barn.
it’s dark and cold.
but i take off my flannel jammy pants, put on jeans, a sweatshirt (i opted not to put on a bra, it was dark and Harry would have no idea) (however i was a lil worried i’d step on the poor sagging girls) and my muck shoes and we headed outside. Josh flipped on the lights to the barn, i opened the gate and called Harry, who was so excited to see his mama. i told him it was time to go in the barn. he looked at me like, “Um, I’mma not sposed to go through that gate.” and so he didn’t. he just stood there. in the freezing rain. and i wanted to punch that cute face and smack his butt to make him move. but that dude is huge now. i was trying to think of how i could get him to come through the gate when i remembered Harry’s love of pumpkins. i ran to the chicken run, grabbed an open pumpkin and headed back over to Harry who was still just standing at the open gate. he saw that pumpkin and got so excited. he quickly came through the gate and followed me into the barn.
Josh asked if i felt better. I did.
“You know he won’t stay in here, right? Cows are kinda stupid.”
this was probably true, but it made me feel better to know i tried. to know i got out of the comfort of my bed, my jammies, myself, to make my cow more comfortable. to see to his needs before my own.
all i really wanted to do when i realized it was raining ice and i needed to go outside, was to crawl into the bathroom for a pep talk.
instead i did the hard thing. i made myself do the thing i didn’t wanna do. each time i do that i get a little stronger.
this probably sounds so silly to those whose brains always work right. whose brains don’t wanna just shut down at the sight or thought of doing hard things. but my brain is not that brain.
but maybe someday.
til then, bathroom pep talks and self hugs it is.